(For my Twitter-mum, @amocor. Written by Daily Mail Reporter)
A woman has been murdered in a savage attack in a library in Rochdale.
The woman, Amocor, was brutally beaten to death with an antique candlestick.
Police have arrested a teacher, Mr Plum, who was a professor of art at the local high school. Regarded by his pupils as "eccentric" and a "weirdo" because of his love of subversive art such as that by David Hockney, a known homosexual, his motives are unknown.
Amocor was known in her local community for the fact that she had cats. Research by Winalot recently showed that people who owned cats, rather than dogs, were over 8,000,000% more likely to be a victim of violent crime.
A neighbour, who did not wish to be named, said: "We were well aware that Amocor kept cats. We read the warning about violent crime when the Mail published it and tried to warn her, but she wouldn't listen. We think that one of the cats might have been an Albanian cat over here for the benefits too, it's a bit swarthy looking".
Amocor's local MP, a Conservative back bencher, said: "This shows that our commitment to close libraries must come to fruition sooner rather than later. Today, a woman was murdered. Tomorrow, a working class child may get ideas above their station. Who knows where the madness will end?".